I’m a firm believer that every emotion humans have, even the ones that feel difficult, is the result of evolution—like every other aspect of human biology and psychology, emotions are adaptive. They have survived because they’ve helped us survive. So, unpleasant feelings like guilt, remorse, sadness, jealousy, and grief have purposes that have helped keep the human species going. 

That’s an important aspect of The Power of Guilt: Why We Feel It and Its Surprising Ability to Heal (HarperCollins, 2025) by Chris Moore, PhD (class of 2024). I’m what Moore would likely refer to as guilt-prone; anytime things aren’t going well in a relationship, I tend to blame myself and feel guilty until I find something about it that I can apologize for. 

I always know when guilt is making my brain chatter worse because I’ll start to ruminate—whatever it is I’m feeling guilty about, I will go over it ad infinitum. That’s how I know that what’s bothering me is guilt. Once I figure out what I’m feeling guilty about, I’m able to do whatever is necessary to a) make amends and seek forgiveness, b) forgive myself, or c) realize I don’t have any real reason to feel guilty and there’s nothing to forgive myself for.

The Power of Guilt is a thorough examination of the role guilt plays in child development, adult relationships, parent-child relationships both during the growing years and with adult children, and how guilt can go awry and cause various mental health issues, as well as broader social guilt—guilt in religion, guilt in criminal behaviour, and the collective guilt some of us feel for social wrongs such as racism and the climate crisis.  

But it’s his final chapter, Making Friends with Guilt, that I want to quote from:

“No one wants to feel guilt because it is so unpleasant. It is part fear and anxiety, part sadness, and part anger. On their own, each of these emotions us unpleasant; together, they’re awful. But there’s a good reason we feel negative emotions: they move us to act to protect ourselves and to protect others. Think about pain. No one likes to be in pain, but pain is important and helpful—it signals to us when there might be tissue damage. If we didn’t feel pain, we would suffer many more bruises, cuts, burns, and all forms of bodily damage. Pain motivates us to protect our bodies form injury and repair harm that has occurred. In the case of guilt, its purpose is to signal that we may have put our relationships at risk, and we should do something to protect and heal them. …

“We all need a network of relationships to lead happy and fulfilled lives. At the core of this network are those communal relationships that are most meaningful to us—in most cases, our natal family, the family we may acquire through romantic relationships, and a circle of close friends. Beyond that core, relationships characterize the human condition, from individuals to nations. Some of these relationships are given to us, some we choose, but all can be at risk of damage when we act, as we almost inevitably will at some point, in ways that are selfish and uncaring. 

“Guilt is the best signal we have that we need to work on our relationships. When we feel it, we should pay attention and use it as a guide. Sometimes, this means owning up to a transgression and apologizing. There’s no better way to restore a relationship than to make an authentic apology—sorry really shouldn’t be the hardest word! Even if we didn’t do anything wrong or hurtful, guilt can mean that we just haven’t put in the effort to nurture the relationship. Sometimes, dealing with guilt just means showing the other some TLC….

“If there is one lesson that I would want this book to convey, it is that guilt needs to shed its image problem. Yes, guilt is horrible, but like the best medicines of old, it is good for you. It helps us to identify when our relationships may be at risk, and it guides us to work on them and to restore them. Caring for our relationships, from the intimate to the global, is the most important task we face in life. So, let’s welcome guilt into our lives and make friends with it. Our relationships, and indeed our society, will be stronger for it.”