Making Friends with Guilt: A Path to Healing

Book cover of 'The Power of Guilt' by Chris Moore, PhD, featuring the subtitle 'Why We Feel It and Its Surprising Ability to Heal' and a quote from Dr. Samra Zafar.

I’m a firm believer that every emotion humans have, even the ones that feel difficult, is the result of evolution—like every other aspect of human biology and psychology, emotions are adaptive. They have survived because they’ve helped us survive. So, unpleasant feelings like guilt, remorse, sadness, jealousy, and grief have purposes that have helped keep the human species going. 

That’s an important aspect of The Power of Guilt: Why We Feel It and Its Surprising Ability to Heal (HarperCollins, 2025) by Chris Moore, PhD (class of 2024). I’m what Moore would likely refer to as guilt-prone; anytime things aren’t going well in a relationship, I tend to blame myself and feel guilty until I find something about it that I can apologize for. 

I always know when guilt is making my brain chatter worse because I’ll start to ruminate—whatever it is I’m feeling guilty about, I will go over it ad infinitum. That’s how I know that what’s bothering me is guilt. Once I figure out what I’m feeling guilty about, I’m able to do whatever is necessary to a) make amends and seek forgiveness, b) forgive myself, or c) realize I don’t have any real reason to feel guilty and there’s nothing to forgive myself for.

The Power of Guilt is a thorough examination of the role guilt plays in child development, adult relationships, parent-child relationships both during the growing years and with adult children, and how guilt can go awry and cause various mental health issues, as well as broader social guilt—guilt in religion, guilt in criminal behaviour, and the collective guilt some of us feel for social wrongs such as racism and the climate crisis.  

But it’s his final chapter, Making Friends with Guilt, that I want to quote from:

“No one wants to feel guilt because it is so unpleasant. It is part fear and anxiety, part sadness, and part anger. On their own, each of these emotions us unpleasant; together, they’re awful. But there’s a good reason we feel negative emotions: they move us to act to protect ourselves and to protect others. Think about pain. No one likes to be in pain, but pain is important and helpful—it signals to us when there might be tissue damage. If we didn’t feel pain, we would suffer many more bruises, cuts, burns, and all forms of bodily damage. Pain motivates us to protect our bodies form injury and repair harm that has occurred. In the case of guilt, its purpose is to signal that we may have put our relationships at risk, and we should do something to protect and heal them. …

“We all need a network of relationships to lead happy and fulfilled lives. At the core of this network are those communal relationships that are most meaningful to us—in most cases, our natal family, the family we may acquire through romantic relationships, and a circle of close friends. Beyond that core, relationships characterize the human condition, from individuals to nations. Some of these relationships are given to us, some we choose, but all can be at risk of damage when we act, as we almost inevitably will at some point, in ways that are selfish and uncaring. 

“Guilt is the best signal we have that we need to work on our relationships. When we feel it, we should pay attention and use it as a guide. Sometimes, this means owning up to a transgression and apologizing. There’s no better way to restore a relationship than to make an authentic apology—sorry really shouldn’t be the hardest word! Even if we didn’t do anything wrong or hurtful, guilt can mean that we just haven’t put in the effort to nurture the relationship. Sometimes, dealing with guilt just means showing the other some TLC….

“If there is one lesson that I would want this book to convey, it is that guilt needs to shed its image problem. Yes, guilt is horrible, but like the best medicines of old, it is good for you. It helps us to identify when our relationships may be at risk, and it guides us to work on them and to restore them. Caring for our relationships, from the intimate to the global, is the most important task we face in life. So, let’s welcome guilt into our lives and make friends with it. Our relationships, and indeed our society, will be stronger for it.”

Best Canadian Reads for Earth Day 2023

April 22 is Earth Day. Here are some great books about the environment by Canadian authors to commit to reading.

Cover of 'Chasing Smoke: A Wildfire Memoir' by Aaron Williams featuring a wildfire scene with smoke and flames among tall trees against an orange sky.

I live in the Pacific Northwest, where two things are ever-present on people’s minds: how bad the wildfires will be this summer and when the next big earthquake will hit. Although Aaron Williams (class of 2017) wrote Chasing Smoke: A Wildfire Memoir (Harbour Publishing, 2017) as a memoir of one summer (of many) on a firefighting crew in the dense forests of British Columbia, it wouldn’t be possible to write such a memoir without touching on the impacts of a warming planet on creating the conditions that are making wildfires worse every year (2023 was Canada’s worst season on record). From hectares of dry brush where forests were clearcut to fire seasons that begin earlier and end later each year, Chasing Smoke not only describes a wildfire fighter’s lifestyle but a problem that must be addressed if we don’t wish to see our planet go up in flames.  

Book cover of 'On Borrowed Time' by Gregor Craigie featuring an urban skyline with yellow seismic wave graphics, emphasizing themes of earthquake preparedness.

One might not think climate change influences earthquakes, and that’s not where Gregor Craigie (class of 2019) focuses his attention in On Borrowed Time: North America’s Next Big Quake (Goose Lane Editions, 2021). But science acknowledges that as hurricanes, floods, and wildfires increase in frequency and severity, so too does global warming contribute to the frequency and severity of earthquakes. “As a result of the man-made global warming, the melting of land ice, mainly in Antarctica and Greenland, occurs in an accelerating process and sea levels are rising worldwide” as are increasing emissions of greenhouse gases. “Both phenomena also have an impact on earthquake risk since they lead to a small but notable increase in pressure on tectonic faults in the subsurface due to hydrostatic load….” And “sea-level fluctuations of just a few decimetres are enough to trigger earthquakes.” (https://www.gfz.de/en/press/news/details/mehr-erdbeben-durch-menschengemachten-klimawandel) Reading Craigie’s deeply researched book provides frightening insight into what can happen when the next Big One hits. 

Cover of the book 'Overrun: Dispatches from the Asian Carp Crisis' by Andrew Reeves, featuring illustrations of various fish on a light blue background.

In Overrun: Dispatches from the Asian Carp Crisis (ECW, 2019) Andrew Reeves (class of 2016), an award-winning environmental journalist, tackles the eponymous environmental crisis head on. When I began reading Overrun, I’d never heard of Asian crap, much less the crisis they’ve caused. But as I read Reeves’ entertaining account of how, with all good intentions, this voracious and prolific fish was introduced to control invasive water weeds in aquaculture farms in the southern US, I became increasingly aware of just how dangerous it can be to import any species of life to any part of the world where it lacks natural predators. From a few fish in the 1950s, several species of Asian carp have taken over river systems from the mouth of the Mississippi River watershed north to where they’re a handful of miles now threatening the ecology of the entire Great Lakes and St. Lawrence River system. This is what happens when humans, with all the best intentions, believe they can improve on billions of years of evolution and try to take nature into their own hands. 

Of the books I’ve reviewed to date, these three are the ones I’d recommend most highly as Earth Day reading. But they’re not the only ones to touch on environmental themes, even though the environment is not the main thrust of the book. I also highly recommend Ring of Fire: High-Stakes Mining in a Lowlands Wilderness (ECW, 2023) by Virginia Heffernan, which advocates for a different approach to resource extraction, one that is more environmentally safe and concerned with the welfare of Indigenous Peoples. The Fruitful City: The Enduring Power of the Urban Food Forest (ECW, 2018) by Helena Moncrieff (class of 2016) focuses predominantly on community sharing of the harvest of fruit trees within any city, but in so doing it also speaks to feed the human population by stopping our environmentally stupid wasting of nature’s bounty just because it sits on privately owned land.

Cover of the book 'The Fruitful City' by Helena Moncrieff, featuring colorful leaf illustrations and a subtitle about the urban food forest.

While Jenn Thornhill Verma’s (class of 2019) Cod Collapse: The Rise and Fall of Newfoundland’s Saltwater Cowboys (Nimbus Publishing, 2019) is a memoir of a family’s lost way of life, one that had endured for generations in many families, it’s also a tale of the consequences of overfishing, not only to the environment but to those who depend on the sea for their living. And for those of us currently living in the Pacific Northwest, it’s a cautionary tale about the way deal with dwindling salmon populations. And finally, The Tides of Time: A Nova Scotia Book of Seasons (Pottersfield Press, 2019) by Suzanne Stewart (class of 2016) is more directly about the link between different people’s food-producing labour with a particular month, it’s also a compelling series of essays about how people can and do choose to live in harmony with the seasons. And it’s hard to imagine anything more environmentally advantageous than that. 

Exploring Psychic Phenomena: Science Meets Belief

As a teenager, I believed in psychic phenomena. My father, not a frivolous man, greatly admired the clairvoyant Edgar Cayce. My best friend had tarot cards. We all talked with wonder and awe about the amazing “coincidences” we or someone we knew had experienced at some point.

Book cover of 'The Scientist and the Psychic: A Son's Exploration of His Mother's Gift' by Christian Smith, featuring a family photo and design elements.

As I grew older and became increasingly skeptical, I still loved movies like Ghost and Practical Magic (although I actually liked the book by Alice Hoffman better.)I still watch reruns of the TV series Medium, based on the real life of Allison DuBois, a self-described medium and profiler. DuBois claims to have provided crime-solving tips to law enforcement agencies—tips those agencies have described as “unhelpful,” if they didn’t simply deny ever working with her.

So, when it came time to read Christian Smith’s (class of 2017) The Scientist and the Psychic: A Son’s Exploration of His Mother’s Gift (Random House, 2020), I was intrigued. What would a PhD-level scientist have to say about his mother, who once spoke to audiences of thousands about her abilities? And how would the fractured relationship they had for twenty years, in no small part because of her work as a psychic, play into his scientific exploration of her gift?

Here’s a taste of insight from the book’s introduction: 

I remember once saying to someone I know, a pre-med student at the time, that science has become the god of the twenty-first century. He immediately became very offended, assuming I was saying science is no more provable than any belief in a god. He was so annoyed that there was no point in trying to explain that I was speaking metaphorically, not literally. Many years ago, people turned to religion for answers to everything; if they questioned anything, they risked accusations of blasphemy and even heresy. Now they turn to science for all the answers and if they question science—well, they won’t be burned at the stake, but they’ll often be looked upon as uneducated idiots. 

I don’t hold with that. Science is an ongoing quest for discovery, so it’s inevitable that as it moves forward, some things “proven” to be true yesterday will be proven untrue tomorrow. Unquestioning trust quickly becomes dogma. And as Smith points out in the above-quoted passage, anecdotal evidence is often the unacknowledged starting place for scientific discovery. A neurologist I saw regularly for twenty years once said to me that dismissing all anecdotal evidence simply because it’s anecdotal is, itself, unscientific.

In the epigraph, Smith quotes a very famous scientist: “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift.” The scientist was Albert Einstein. 

The Scientist and the Psychic is an intriguing balance of scientific evidence and psychic phenomena, interwoven with a poignant account of personal healing between a man and his mother. It’s as well researched as one would expect from a deeply educated scientist, and as compassionate as one would hope from a human being who, at a certain age, realized that familial love and forgiveness are profoundly important too. 

This was a thoroughly enjoyable read and I highly recommend it.  

Other books about science:

On Borrowed Time: North America’s Next Big Quake, by Gregor Craigie

Ring of Fire: High-Stakes Mining in a Lowlands Wilderness, by Virginia Heffernan

Conspiracy of Hope: The Truth about Breast Cancer Screening, by Reneé Pellerin

Overrun: Dispatches from the Asian Carp Crisis, by Andrew Reeves

Fifteen Thousand Pieces: A Medical Examiner’s Journey Through Disaster, by Gina Leola Woolsey